By  Jacobs Odongo Seaman

On Monday, Eugene Anangwe, a Rwandan, took to Twitter to ask if fellows in Kigali had felt tremor.

“That was not a tremor,” I said. “It was Joseph Kony’s laughter vibrating the tectonic forces after hearing that the UPDF can capture Nairobi in a blitz.”

Someone retweeted and another who sounded like he would ask what you mean if you offered a good morning greeting to him asked me to explain.

“Well, after spending years hunting down Kony in the jungles, the UPDF managed to capture his guitar, saucepan and underwear and the international media was called to a news briefing announcing this great operation success,” I said.

The next thing, chaps were warning that I would be charged with the computer misuse law. Almost immediately, a police charge sheet appeared on my timeline as if my gods were sounding me out. The charge sheet, prepared by Lule of Kawempe Police Station, said Ssonko had abused computer use.

Apparently, Ssonko had got excited after picking an iTel phone from MKopa and decided to test its camera by recording a video of a police crackdown on suspected drug abusers.

Well, the signs are there for all to see. And being the most brilliant chap from Pakwach, I won’t be a victim of a law by whatever name. I’ve now produced yellow tees emblazoned with the words, “I Support Computer Misuse Law.”

I will turn it into my trademark as I wait for the Nasser Road guy to deliver a consignment of tees that proclaim, “Bring on North Korea, we shall capture Pyongyang in just three days” and “UPDF can capture the Pentagon in just one week.”

Meanwhile, Kenyans on Twitter should be afraid. Very afraid. We’ve already made it clear that theirs is just a district of Uganda and yet they act as if they are not aware of the great computer misuse law we have here.

I saw a whole Speaker saying Uganda is just a meme country. Being in my best moods, I’m going to send a consignment of the tees with relevant messages to these Jaluo, Kikuyu and Kaleinjin.

We need to remind these chaps that their district of a country cannot run for even a week without the governor of their central bank. We have gone nearly a year and so far, a bar of soap costs just Shs10,000 here. Posho is just 4k and sugar is a mere 6k.

On the contrary, a week with no central bank governor would send inflation so high in that district of Kenya that they will need the hustler’s wheelbarrow to literally push sacks of Kenya Shilling to just buy wembe (razor blade) for cutting their nails.

Imagine a nation whose citizens get mesmerised by the presence of an armoured toilet van when their big politicians have to run to ‘Mama Ingia Pole’ pit-latrines. What good do they have over there? Until their leader can afford an armoured wheelbarrow without grounding that district of theirs to an inflationary halt, they shouldn’t try any jokes with us.

For chaps who can’t even understand the proper meaning of S.T.A.B.I.L.I.T.Y when written in black and white, what can they even talk home about? Listen, Kenyans; stability is the quality of being enduring and free from change or variation. Mark the word change.

You can’t keep changing leaders every birthday and think you understand anything stability… I mean democratic stability. Try keeping one man in the top office for just half of the time we have enjoyed and then you will qualify to touch our feet for proper blessings.

These losers, we even gave them our own sons to show them how to stay in power until God Himself forgets you, and how to use Twitter for effective diplomacy but they have already removed him and moved on to some of other guy who grins so much bunnies are threatening to sue.

Sasa nyinyi wakenya, I’m sending the tees with proper message. Unless you are all First Sons and Generals, be careful what you tweet. The law will not spare you simply because you spend all your time eating gari and sukuma na ugali and dwelling in ignorance.

We come to you. We are always looking for ways to improve our stories. Let us know what you liked and what we can improve on.

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